Ever since the the Supreme Court recently refused to hear multiple marriage equality cases, effectively bringing marriage equality to well over half of the United States, we have been witnessing temper tantrums for the ages from anti-gay folks who can’t bring themselves to live in a nation where they have to play by the same rules as everyone else. Their grievance tends to be that equality for gay and lesbian couples somehow violates their “religious freedom,” and their explanations are getting sillier and sillier. Last week, we had a couple from Kansas who sought to intervene in that state’s marriage equality case, claiming that the extension of marriage equality amounted to a literal theft of their heterosexual marriage. The court quickly smacked them down.
This week, though, somebody has outdone that Kansas couple. In South Carolina, a man named Don Boyd has filed a motion arguing that marriage equality in that state will quite literally force him to stop worshiping the Lord. How could this be, you ask? How will Betty and Darlene’s upcoming nuptials stand between Don and his worship? Like this:
DON BOYD, MUSICIAN AND PSALMIST, Anointed and Assigned as a Watchmen of the souls of the people errantly calling themselves lesbian and gay WOULD PURSUE DISMISSAL of what is in essence and in truth a RELIGIOUS matter couched of late as a secular deprivation of constitutional rights by the Gay Agenda (of said people errantly identifying and calling themselves lesbian and gay) apostate and rebellious from The Most High GOD and Creator LORD of all the Earth, covetous of the Portion of those marrying and given in marriage in this world, troubled and incited of that Wicked One Lucifer the Devil unto discontent with Divine Constraint their Portion and glorious Calling in this life unto Reward of the Next. [snip] Any ratifying of gay “marriage” would compel me to leave off worshipping THE LORD with music and psalms – free exercise of my religion -to assume the life of a protester and wedding crasher.
You see, Don will be quite literally forced to stop worshiping God, so that he may attend to the more pressing task of protesting and crashing gay weddings. One might suggest that he sit down with his calendar and block off different times of the day for different activities, but no, Don can’t do that.
The entire filing is a joy to read, if only because Don’s grasp of the English language is creative to say the least:
Some people errantly identifying and calling themselves lesbian and gay, dissatisfied with the Church refusing to change the Scriptures for assuaging the whim and Portion-envy of said people errantly identifying and calling themselves lesbian and gay, have now of late by hellish Plot turned to the World for circumvention of authority of the Church — but, more truly, to override and overthrow GOD, rather — and for doing so have coalesced — with crooked judges of no discernment to begin with but themselves Sodomites (not to mention, strategically staffed of said people errantly identifying and calling themselves lesbian and gay) AND with the media of no commitment to Truth of the press or objectivity in journalism but themsleves [sic] Gomorrahites (not to mention, strategically staffed of said people errantly identifying and calling themselves lesbian and gay) AND with the Black Agenda also having tasted blood and agreed to cry “racism” in all else remaining, themselves still wicked Egyptians never learning but ever-returning to judgment (for always — for allure of gain — absorbing every thing and everybody and his abominations, including said people errantly identifying and calling themselves lesbian and gay) — as did the original rebel Lucifer with one-third of the angels, eternally evicted and now (surreptitiously through late rash of lawsuits “over” gay marriage) likewise seeking those Assigned to Don Boyd.
Folks, that is one sentence. I’d love to see somebody try to diagram it.
I wish I could say that’s the absolute craziest temper tantrum we’re going to see before this all plays out, but every week, these wingnuts find a new way to shock me.